I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
