Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
