you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
