I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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