I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
