How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
