I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
