I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
