At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
