make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
