cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
