One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
