I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
