I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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