It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Randomize
