I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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