So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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