you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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