Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
