how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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