On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
