just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
