im about as happy as oj after his trial
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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