Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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