I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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