I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
is it fun? or sober?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
