so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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