the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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