I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
