When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Boobs are out for the taking
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
