Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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