At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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