I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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