in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize