why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
