I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
