Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
