I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
