i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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