It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
