i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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