Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
