I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
