I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
