i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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