Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
