I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
