And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
