I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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