the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
