What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
