Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
