just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize