I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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