sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
