I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
