Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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