this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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