OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
