So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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