im drinking this country out of the recession.
My cat gives me a boner
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
