She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
