not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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