My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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