you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
