I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
