If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Randomize
